Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
