If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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