either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
