i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
