she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
