Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
