I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
