Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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