I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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