just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
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