Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just pynch a tree in the face
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I have so many feelings about this burrito
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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