someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
