Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
