Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
