Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
