I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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