My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
