I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
