Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
