im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
