im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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