Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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