From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
