I don't usually arrange sex via text message
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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