therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
