do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
