So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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