It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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