did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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