Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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