my mouth tastes like poor choices
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
