Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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