I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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