The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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