This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
