I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
