i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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