my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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