that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
