she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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