I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
