We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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