Apparently you make a good broom.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
