Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
