Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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