We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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