he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
