my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
