So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
