Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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