you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
