Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
